Conscious Sex Talk

BY MIRJAM: Last week I was sailing with my friends and had a talk about conscious sex and consent. ‘Come in for a cup of tea‘, is something we all experienced in the middle of the night.  In a way it’s funny and it’s clear what it means. But if your’re inviting somebody in for a cup of tea, does it really mean something else? Is it code language for ‘let’s fuck?”. The truth is, it can mean a lot and you don’t know for sure unless you talk openly about your desires, wishes and boundaries.  I call talking about this ‘conscious sex talk’. This talk is inspired by my own experience and ISTA’s elevator pitch.

FEAR OF SLUTSHAMING

I wish I had the courage to have a conscious talk about sex in my twenties and say something like “You’re attractive to me and I like to know how our bodies want to interact when we kiss, cuddle and maybe more. I might want to be penetrated, but I’m not sure. I’ll let you know when I want you to fuck me. How about you, what is it that you want?”. I didn’t know any better of lacked the courages to own my desires & boundaries and didn’t want others to call me a slut for wanting to be fucked. I wish I knew about Concious Sex Talk back then and for this to be normal. Fortunately you’re never to old to learn! ?

NO SEXY TALK…
There’s a lot of reasons not to have this conscious talk according to some. It can be a bit awkward, it might stop the flow you’re having with someone, It’s difficult to start this talk, you might be rejected or your lover might think you’re weird. Maybe all of that is true, but for me there’s lots of reasons to do this Conscious Sex Talk whether you’re having the same partner for a long time or are meeting someone new. It can spice thinks up, clear the space and inspire.

WHY HAVE A SEX TALK?
Besides not violating the law if you’re a Swedish citizen, there are other reasons why I’m a big fan.

• It’s the perfect test, if a man isn’t willing to talk or be open. He’s not my man.
• I can let my lover now how I like to be touched, kissed, licked or penetrated so my needs are met.
• It allows me to be seen in my full spectrum (vulnerability, juiciness and truth)
• It prevents me from being in a awkward situation after having sex
• I feel more free when I had this talk, because I feel safer
• It prevents me from making mistake (‘forget’ to use a condom or being intimate with someone who’s in a closed relationship)
• It gives me a good idea of what my lover likes and dislikes
• I can express my intention and what I want from this interaction

SEXY TALK WHAT TO ASK?

1. RELATIONSHIP STATUS
“Is somebody going to be affected by this interaction?”, is the question regarding this topic. I would like to know If I’m dealing with someone who’s in a relationship or not and if that person is in a relationship I like to know what the agreements are. Maybe the partners in an open relationship or likes for me to check in with the partner. You never know if someone is 100% honest, but at least you asked.

2. SEXUAL TRANSFERABLE DISEASES  (STD’s)
Honestly, it feels kind of weird to ask this at first. Normally I wouldn’t have done this, but it gets normal when you’ve done this a few times. Better safe than sorry, I would rather know upfront, then regret later. This is what I’ll ask. And ofcourse I wouldn’t ask this every time when I meet my lover!
Do you have any STD’s? Followed by a bunch of other quiestions. When were you tested? What was the result? Did you have unprotected sex since?  Oh….and this is a good time to think about STDs and oral sex. ?
‎
3. CONDOMS
I’m not using any birth control right now, so this talk about condoms is obvious of course. But to have a little chat upfront makes it more easy to address this in the heat of the moment when nobody is thinking about using condoms.

4. INTENTION
This is one of the questions I LOVE. What’s’ your intention for this interaction. This is where I can bring in a bit of my tantric way of being intimate. I would love to share that I want sex to be goalless and to dedicate the fruits of this interaction to cosmic consciousness. There’s no right or wrong here. Other possible answers could be: to blow off some steam, connect on a deeper level, re-connect, experiment. There’s no right or wrong answer here….

‎5. AFTERCARE
What do you want after this interaction? Stay over to sleep? Spooning? Have lunch together? Here it might also be the case you’re not sure yet and you want to feel into the moment what you need.  One of the things which is important for me is to share something we both really liked about the interaction and to check in with eachother.

6. DESIRE, FEARS, BOUNDARIES  
What’re your boundaries, What’re your fears? What is your desire? What do you like? Where and how do you like to be touched or kissed? These are the juicy questions. Or at least you can make the juicy. Explaining what you want the other person to do to you, or you would do to the other is kind of foreplay…

INSPIRED TO USE IT?
I’m curious if you’re as inspired to use it. I hope you do and create your sexy talk.